*Frowning, I sit down hard on the bench outside the "barn" or whats
left of it, and put the ax down blade
first. Leaning my head on the handle, I stare for a moment, resting,
and trying to work through my own
demons.*
*For what reasons I never finished the whole ordeal, I dont know. Mostly
because it was easier to keep
lying than it was to finish it, and admit I was wrong. Maybe I needed
warmth and comfort when the
world rushed its way around me. Maybe I still do. I dont know any of
these things. All I know is, my
feelings are still ravaged. I still want her, and I still want my wife.*
*Sixteen years really cant be referred to as an affair. She and I
were both a part of the rodeo. She was contracted as the
after-event entertainment, and did a good job. Id hang back and
watch from the bullpens, and the crowd loved her, and I did too.
She rode with us for two years, and in that time, I got to know
her. Probably more than I ever should have. No, theres no
probably. I should have walked away, and kept my hands to
myself. Instead, I courted her, I took her out to dinner, drop her
off at her hotel, then call Chan and tell her I loved her and good
night.*
*Her name at the time was Danielle Schaefer. The world would come to
know her as Dakota Schaefer
when she became famous. Shes had a long career already. Everyone loves
Dakota. Shes beautiful, in a
timeless way, like Chan. Shes vibrant, energetic, strong. All of those
things attracted me to her. I wanted
someone who was what I wasnt. She was sure of herself, and made me
feel strong. I was a moth to the
flame, and still am. I see her, and my heart skips a beat. She has
me where she wants me.*
*It wouldnt be so bad, but she even tries to push me away, make me
go home to my wife, never asked
why, never made me feel guilty. I dont understand her, even after all
these years. But I dont think I want
to either.*
*Its times like these, I want to call, and hear her voice. Thats all
I
need. Just the sound of her surety, the note of something
grounded. Shes in Denver tonight. Performing in front of a
near-sellout. I keep up with her career. I always have. Thankfully,
we've kept the picture taking people away. She has a way of
doing that. I need to stop this. Stop thinking about her. Let her
move on. Forget I ever existed. It isnt an affair, its a relationship,
and one that will never ever reconcile. Im hurting her as much as
Im hurting my family. Picking up the ax, I lay it against the barn
wall left standing at a slant. I need a walk. Clear my head. If I dare
go back inside with these thoughts,
Chan will see it. Shes good at that.*